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photo by AeraphimC

In the past few weeks I have received an unfortunate number of emails from girls who are having problems with online drama and bullying. Its a controversial topic, and something that is particularly prevalent in the Lolita Fashion communities. So, although I may be inviting more trouble by discussing it here, I feel that it is an important issue to address and I hope this will be useful to both those currently dealing with such situations, and those just starting out in an online community.

I was an active member of J-fashion communities for several years and have experienced a fair amount of drama and harassment myself, so some of this advice comes from experience. However as I withdrew from such forums a while back, I also decided to ask some of my good friends for their thoughts on the topic and they gave me some fantastic insights to share with you here.

Why do people bully and start drama?

There are many reasons and factors that create this kind of mentality. Usually a large part of it is insecurity. People who are not happy and confident in who they are, compare themselves to others to try and establish some self worth. Often this means pushing others down so that they can rise up. This might give them a feeling of superiority, of being better than those they criticise and it holds up their ego.

Another reason people start Drama is simply boredom. This happens just as much in real life as online. They crave the emotional stimulation and entertainment. It also gives them the attention they crave, even if its negative attention. A lot of bullies are just lonely, bored people looking for some stimulation.

Online bullying especially is a very safe way to express this. They can be faceless, anonymous and say harmful things and still feel somewhat safe and separate from their words. They can create a online reputation for being harsh and, in their mind perhaps, stronger because they would not have the nerve to be so aggressive in person. Whenever they want to escape they can log off, and they don’t have to face up to the people they are hurting.

There is no good excuse for stirring drama and bullying others, but it helps to try and understand where these people are coming from. Its important to realise that most of the time, their behaviour is not about you and they don’t really hate you. A lot of it is misdirected anger, hate and frustration with themselves. People that are really happy, intelligent and confident don’t need to criticise others, they can love and accept other people as they are because they love and accept themselves. Keep this in mind and perhaps you will even have a bit of sympathy for those who behave this way.

How can you prevent being the target of online bullying?

Its not always possible to avoid harassment. Unfortunately if you make yourself visible online, especially if you post photos of yourself then you may become a target for criticism. There are a few steps you can take to minimalise it though, or at least the effect it will have on you.

• Don’t Participate. The best way to stay out of drama is simply not to take part. Treat others as you would like to be treated. If you get involved in drama or attack others online, chances are someone’s going to bite back at some point. Stay out of communities devoted solely to this behaviour and don’t participate in discussions that seem to be inflammatory on the regular forums.
• Do your research. A portion of the negative feedback directed mostly at new members is caused by them asking simple basic questions to which the answers are easily available already. People get frustrated at being asked the same thing over and over again because these new members are too lazy to research. It often pays when you join a community to lurk for a while. Read all the rules and FAQs, get a feel of what is good etiquette there and if you have a question, try looking for the answer yourself before asking.
• Monitor your own behaviour. Just as in real life, the way you behave when meeting a new group of people will determine, in some part, how they treat you. Be polite, respectful and patient and listen to those that have more experience than you. That doesn’t mean you have to take their word as law, but it will give you an understanding of what is generally accepted in the community. Present yourself well by typing properly, using a spell checker if need be and acting maturely and intelligently.

How do you handle drama and bullying when you are targeted?

• Don’t take it too seriously. I think a lot of the problems caused in online communities are simply because people take the group and themselves too seriously. Hobbies are meant to be fun, fashion is meant to be enjoyable. No one is going to get hurt if you make a small mistake, so don’t stress over it. Being able to laugh at yourself in good humour is important. Being able to laugh over drama is far more healthy than being embroiled in it like a life or death match. At the end of the day, does it really matter?
• Learn from and be grateful for Criticism. Sometimes criticism is not bullying and actually constructive. Its important to recognize when someone is actually trying to help and give good advice. Don’t take every criticism as a personal attack, and even if its not phrased as politely and constructively as it could be, try and gain something from it. Better yet, say thank you! Not only will it diffuse the situation, but if the person is a bully it will catch them completely off guard!
• Handle is with Grace. The best way to deal with any drama, bullying or negative press is gracefully. Don’t respond when you’re angry and frustrated, don’t fight back or tell people how upset they’ve made you because that is exactly what they want. Be cool, composed and mature. If it has upset you, wait until you’ve calmed down before responding, or if it doesn’t need a response (and often this is the case) just ignore it. If you don’t give them any attention bullies will usually grow bored of you and move on.
• Talk to your Support Network. It can be very painful and upsetting when people are attacking you and spreading lies and rumours. Even if you’re dealing with it gracefully, it really helps to talk to your close friends and family who can give you the support and reassurance you need. Having other people who can laugh at it with you and assure you that they know you and love you better than that is the best cure I know of.
• Don’t go looking for it. If you know people are posting nasty things about you, don’t read them. If need be, ask your friends not to tell you about it. Don’t join hate communities just to see if you or your friends are posted there, that’s just feeding and supporting the fear they want to create. Stay out of it, stay away from it and find more enjoyable ways to spend your time online. If a community you like seems to be beset by constant drama, talk to the moderators, if they’re unwilling to do anything then move on. Find somewhere else to discuss your hobbies. Its like walking in to a dingy bar when there’s a nice cafe across the road, if it isn’t a fun and enjoyable atmosphere then why hang out there?

  I’ve tried to cover the best tips I have to prepare you for dealing with bullying and drama. I sincerely hope that you will never need to use them, but I can tell you from experience that at very least, it does help you develop a thicker skin and that’s not always a bad thing. There is no greater test of your own self assurance and maturity than having to deal with situations like this.

  

  tags: bullying, community, drama, lolita, online culture
  
  

photo by linda yvonne

I haven’t done one of these in quite a while, but there have been so many beautiful links I’ve stumbled across this week that I really wanted to share with you!

The Cherry Blossom Girl gorgeous French blogger with exquisite taste and style I just adore her room and all her pretty things! This is more of a photoblog, but brings a little beauty and inspiration with each update

The Lady of Shalott Film Thanks for the tip off from Grace of The Beautiful Necessity. They are making a film of one of my favourite Poems of all time! Lovely stills and trailers on the site have gotten me so excited.

How to Make Your Heart and Your Mind Work Together over at Zen Habits. An excellent Article that fits in with what I was talking about this week with your Fairy Godmother. Its never too late to start following your heart!

Our First Look at Tim Burton’s Alice in Wonderland Have you heard? Have you heard? Tim Burton is making a film of Lewis Carrol’s classic, Alice in Wonderland! I can’t think of anyone more suited to direct such a film. The costumes from these few sneak peeks are to die for!

My Period Film Collection Still on the subject of pretty flicks, Jenn of the Period Movie Review has compiled the most comprehensive list of historical films I think I’ve ever seen. I’m busy checking off which one’s I’ve seen!

Creature Comforts This is a link I have been meaning to send to my dear friend Emily for quite some time, but I’m so forgetful, sorry! Here it is. A lovely, regularly updated blog with a warm sense of style, perfect for etsy addicts and creative Princesses.

5 Minutes with Princess Skye The brilliant Mizz Hannah interviewed me recently for her blog. While you’re there, check out the rest of her site. Hannah writes some fantastic articles for teens, and she’s only 13! Such an inspiration.

The Princess Portal Archive Page I’d also like to introduce a new little feature on the Portal. We now have an Archive page, which contains a collection of all the Princess Lessons, Profiles, Recipes, Inspirations and Ask the Princess questions that have been posted here over the years. If you’re new to PP or feel like re-reading some older articles its now much easier to browse through past posts.

photo by Paul Synnott

I am very fortunate in my life to have had some really great role models, strong and intelligent women who have taught me so much, guided me through the tough times and given me little tips that make being a Princess just that much easier. I’m so grateful to these beautiful ladies and part of the joy of writing Princess portal for me is being able to pass on some of the lessons they’ve taught me.

Not every Princess is so blessed with helpful guides though, sometimes our elders are far from good examples and we must look inside ourselves for advice and counsel. Just like we each have an inner princess, I believe we have a part of us that is very wise and always knows the best path to take. Our own Fairy Godmother. Often we don’t recognize this part of ourselves until we stop to listen, but she’s there, waiting for us in our time of need.

They say that wisdom comes from experience, and in some ways this is true. However I believe that we are actually born very wise. There is a part of us, deep down, that just knows a lot of things, whether you call it intuition, instinct, conscience or a higher self. That part of you is always there, and the more you listen to it the better choices you will make and the faster you will grow.

Stop for a moment and think about something that is bothering you right now. An important decision you’re trying to make, a situation you are trying to understand, something that is frustrating or upsetting you. Now stop processing it logically, stop churning the thoughts in your head like an out of control windmill. Once you’ve done this, acknowledge the emotions that you’re feeling, realise ‘this makes me angry’ or sad or scared, and let that go too. Then listen to yourself, at the core of your being what do you feel is the right thing to do? Chances are you already know, deep down the answer is very clear. Everything else is just fighting against that or looking for confirmation of it or pure fear of the change.

If you have a good imagination it might actually help to visualize a form for your Fairy Godmother. What would and older wiser version of yourself look like? Perhaps she’s a wizened old crone with long white hair, or a beautiful and powerful queen. Perhaps she really is a Fairy, or a rosy cheeked warm hearted old woman. Whenever you’re feeling lost, when your fairy tale life is presenting insurmountable trials, ask her for help, for advice and you may just be surprised at how much wisdom and resourcefulness you have inside you.

photo by Susie

1. Wear Christmas decorations. Ribbons in your hair, bells around your ankles, glitter on your cheeks. Sparkle!
2. Hang fairy lights all over your room, turn them on for Christmas eve and fall asleep under electric stars
3. Instead of putting them under the Tree, hide all you presents and leave little clues. Make it a treasure hunt!
4. Bake a Japanese style Christmas Cake, cover it in sweet strawberries!
5. Sew your own stocking. Decorate it with bows, lace, jewels, roses or whatever suits your personal style.
6. Write a special quote or saying in each of your holiday cards, something specific and meaningful to the recipient.
7. Go to see The Nutcracker ballet if its showing in your town!
8. Write a letter to the North Pole with all your wishes, dreams and goals. Post it.
9. Light candles and put on your favourite music (it doesn’t have to be Christmas Music!) for your own private ‘Carols by Candlelight’
10. Watch your favourite cheesey Christmas movies, mine has always been ‘Prancer’
11. Go on a little road trip to visit all your local friends before Christmas eve, bring them gingerbread and hugs.
12. Make a very special wish for the new year when you see the first star on Christmas eve, or the first snowflake.

Merry Christmas everyone! I will be off to visit my Family tomorrow and spend Christmas in my forest home. I hope you have a magical, beautiful day and all your Christmas Wishes come true! With love,

photo by orangeacid

Dear Princess Skye,
I’ve been homeschooled all my life, but now my mother has decided that it’s time for me to start mainstream schooling. I know this isn’t directly related to the princess lifestyle, but how can I handle myself with poise and grace, especially while in such a nerve-wracking situation?

Also, do you have any advice for finding nice people in a school that I know is filled with students that have already forged friendships and relationships with the other students?

Thanks,
Princess Amelia.

Amelia is about to face a huge challenge in her life, and its something that a lot of us feel some nervousness and anxiety about. How do we go in to a new situation, step out of our comfort zone, face the world and still hold up with dignity, grace and a sense of our true selves?

We all face this situation at some point in our lives. Whether its starting a new school, new job, meeting a new family or group of friends or even starting a hobby or group activity that places us in unfamiliar territory. The good news is, it gets easier with practise!

I think this is a great opportunity for Amelia because she will meet so many new people, and its through forming relationships and friendships and coming to understand people that we grow the fastest. In isolation we can only learn so much, other people are the mirrors that reflect our selves back at us, make us acknowledge our weaknesses and take pride in our strengths, they help shape and form the strong and beautiful people we become.

I think there are three basic things to keep in mind when facing the world. The first is to know yourself, and as much as you can, love and respect that person. Your sense of self worth will show on the outside, and not only will it make you strong enough to deal with less positive people, but it will attract others to you because you shine in your own light.

The second is to be open and accepting of others. Know that every person you meet will come to you with their own issues, their scars, their dreams and their needs. A lot of the way they treat you will be a reflection of who they are, not who you are. Try to be empathetic, use your imagination to put yourself in their shoes and accept them for who they are without judgement.

The third is very simple, its the law of give and take. In relationships with other people, whether they are aquaintances or close friends, there is a mutual exchange. If you help others, they will be more inclined to help you. If you open up to someone, they’re more likely to trust you and share their own hearts. Yes, you will meet people who only take and don’t give back, but you will also meet people who appreciate your generousity and return it.

These may not be practical tips, but they are at the core of the way we treat other people, if you understand and apply these concepts you should have no trouble making friends, real friends too, the sort worth keeping. It is also important to focus on yourself and your own inner strength, because it is much easier to face the world when you are confident that you are an incredible person, in fact, a Princess!

Other articles that may be helpful: The Mirror Effect, Self Confidence, Your True Self, The Art of Conversation, Friendship, Social Anxiety

photo by Sabrina Wong

On Saturday I volunteered to help raise funds for the Starlight Foundation, a charity that works to brighten the lives of seriously ill children. Its a very worthwhile cause and as we discovered, quite well known and respected in the community. Here is a brief description from their website:

Living with illness or injury can cause enormous strain in the lives of children and their families. The pain, loneliness and isolation that sick children feel dominates their lives, and they often miss out on normal experiences that healthy children take for granted.

Physical recovery is only part of the solution. Starlight delivers innovative programs designed to make children happy and lift their spirits when they need it most. Starlight brings fun and laughter to children no matter what their illness or where they live.

Sab and I arrived at the shopping center in the mid morning and were handed coin collection tins and bags of light up wands and christmas decorations to sell. We were hoping they would have shirts to lend us with the charity logo, but unfortunately they had run out so we had to go as is. We started out on a circuit of the center, talking to people and asking for donations or selling the wands and decorations. The wands were quite popular with children because they flash when lit up and we managed to sell a fair few.

It was really interesting to see the reactions people had to our efforts. Some would look right through us, or hurry away quickly, others would politely decline and a few rifled through their bags for spare change to give us. We began to see a pattern in the sort of people likely to donate, and also discovered it was better to ask people who were sitting or standing then those hurrying about. Its given me a lot more respect for people who do give up their time to collect donations, it can take a lot of effort and determination, especially when you are so often turned down.

In the end, after 3 hours of walking around our tins were very heavy and we were nearly out of wands. We returned to the desk and thanked the lady there. I’m not sure how much we raised, but it certainly weighed a lot!

I really enjoyed this months challenge and found it one of the most fulfilling I’ve done so far. Thanks to Sab for joining me, it was definitely much more fun with good company! How is your December Princess Challenge going?

image by Hugo Verweij and Joachim Baan

I was asked some time ago to to write a lesson on Gratitude. I can think of no more suitable time to mention this than the holiday season, when we are busily shopping for gifts for our friends and family, maybe stressing over what to get each other or writing our own Christmas wish lists, hoping that we will get that special coveted item this year.

At this time it is important to take a step back and be grateful for what we already have. A lot of us are very very blessed as it is. A large part of the essence of Humility is gratitude. Being thankful for everything that has brought you to where you are today. From the people that have helped and supported you, the opportunities that have come up, the gifts you have been given to the very basics of health, financial stability and the kindness of our loved ones.

One of the things I like to do at this time of year is write a Gratitude List. A simple list of the things I have been grateful for throughout the year. This time I am going to share part of mine with you.

Princess Skye’s Gratitude List

I am thankful for…

• My family, who support me even when I fail. For having a Mother and Father that I can always talk to about anything, who give good advice and who are as much my friends as parents.
• My friends, who are like my second family. I can never believe how lucky I am to have met the friends I have now. I am grateful for their kindness, loyalty, concern and little gestures of love.
• My Independence, for being able to live my life as I choose without wanting for anything. I am blessed in having a job, a home and living in a country that gives me the freedom to pursue my own unique lifestyle
• My Inspirations, for bringing beauty and magic in to every aspect of my life. From inspiring people I am blessed to know, to the books, movies, stories, music and art I see every day. Also for the many beautiful glimpses of nature that fill me with wonder.
• Princess Portal! I am so very grateful for the way running this site has changed my life. It helps me focus on what is really important to me, and through explaining my ideals to others, they are strengthened and some times change and develop. Also for all the darling people I have met through the Portal, that means you!

Mine is really much longer than this, I think I am an incredibly lucky person. Some times I do take my life for granted, or feel too proud, forgetting I could never have come this far on my own. Its times like this that I feel the need to look back and be thankful. Even if I don’t get a Pony for Christmas, I already have more than I could even ask for!

A few tips for showing gratitude: Always say please and thank you, especially to strangers. Thank service people for their hard work. Give little tokens of appreciation to your friends. Stop what you’re doing right now, call someone you love and say thank you. Write anonymous thank you notes to your colleagues. Give a little something to those less fortunate than you each month. Pray, meditate or just shout your gratitude to the open sky. Write ‘Thank you for the delicious coffee!’ on the napkin before you leave a cafe. Learn to say ‘thank you’ with a smile. Give sincere compliments out of the blue. Check in on people just to remind them they are loved. Treat all your possesions carefully. Give credit to others for your success. Tell the world how lucky you are.

Perhaps you might like to write your own gratitude list?

I’ve really enjoyed reading about everyone’s Christmas traditions in the last entry. I think the variety of ways different people celebrate their own holiday at this time of year adds to the magic of it. Its important to see that the holiday season is not the same for everyone but unique to each of us.

I grew up celebrating a secular Australian Christmas. As the holiday falls in midsummer here, and the day itself is often over 35 degrees Celsius, its all about staying cool. We usually have cold meats, like turkey and ham, big salads, sea food, fruit (including my favourite cherries!) and iced desserts. Some families like to celebrate outdoors at the beach or by the pool, but we usually stay inside and crack bon bons. As a child some of my Christmas memories include waking up very very early to run down to the Christmas tree and see what presents had been left overnight. I was only allowed to open them once the King and Queen had woken up and had breakfast.

Now that I live in my own Palace I have some new traditions. I’ve had my pretty white tree for a few ears now and each December I find a new decoration to add to it. Mirai and I host our Christmas Party which is a chance to catch up with some of our closest friends at the years end, exchange gifts and play favourite games. Not to mention the Christmas Cake! On Christmas day I head home to visit my parents and spend the day with them. I usually bring the dessert!

I was looking for my yearly decoration last week and found instead some adorable star shaped lights. I have always wanted to hang lights in my room, and had been looking for rose shaped ones previously but these were just too cute to resist! They alternate blue and white and I have them draped over my canopy, the effect at night is quite magical, don’t you think?

On Saturday night we had a little Christmas Gathering at the Palace with a few close friends. In preparation for this, I set up our Christmas tree! I have always dreamt of having a white Christmas, so to compensate I bought a white tree and covered it, of course, in pretty princess-like decorations. There are pink and purple and silver baubles, some shiny and bright, others frosted and encrusted with tiny rhinestones and glittery swirls. Pearlescent doves flutter about its outer branches and a swan nests in the middle. Atop is a filligree star and bows of patterned ribbon are almost invisible against the snowy leaves. Chains of little beads, the colour of soap bubbles are draped from each branch and the star shaped lights, when lit, glow pink!

One of the Christmas traditions we’ve borrowed from Japan is to have a Christmas Cake. Sweet sponge cakes covered in fresh cream and fruit are sold all over Japan in the holiday season, and I made this one for our friends to share. It has blueberries, strawberries and Oreos. Delicious!

I love hearing about how holidays are celebrated differently all over the world. What are some of the Christmas traditions in your country?